Acehole Smeg Head
by SpiritArcher55
Summary: One-shot. We all know Rimmer can be a smeghead but what happens when he steals a very precious object from a crew's bunk room. After BTE. Slight Rimmer/OC.


**The science in this fic might not be plausible, but then again I'm not good at science.**

* * *

"Rimmer!" The doctor shrieked. "Get back here! Now!"

"Nope!" Rimmer squealed running from the room.

"I'm serious!" She shouted again. She jumped from her bunk and took off after the hologram. "I swear I will rip your-"

"Language!" He hollered with a smile.

They ran down the farly small Red Dwarf corridors; the doctor ran down a corridor and skidded past Kryten.

"Kryten," She panted. "Have seen a total smeg head ran down here?"

"You mean Mr. Rimmer, ma'am? Yes, he past me not 3 seconds ago." She took off down the corridor again. Kryten chuckled to himself. "Mr. Rimmer is going to get it now."

Rimmer hid behind a conduit. "She won't find me here." He said to himself.

"Oh really?" She replied standing behind him with her hands on his hip. Rimmer went to run away but she jumped on him and pinned him to the ground. "Hand it over."

"Hmm... Nah." Rimmer smiled.

"Now!" She bellowed. "Or I will have to do something to you."

"Oh yeah?" Rimmer asked with a huge smirk on his face. "Like what, Jupi?"

"Don't call me Jupi!" She shouted. "My name is Jupita Ezell!"

"Whatever you say!" Rimmer replied with another cheeky grin.

Jupita rolled off him and hauled Rimmer to his feet. She shoved him against the wall. "Give me it now!"

Rimmer sighed and reluctantly pulled a small frame from his trouser pocket. "Here you go..." He muttered quietly.

Jupita looked the old and worn frame. She looked at the glass and anger built up inside her. Her face scrunched up and Rimmer slouched against the wall. She let Rimmer slide down the wall and ran down the corridor. "RIMMER!" Jupita yelled as loud as she could.

* * *

Rimmer skidded into the Drive Room of Red Dwarf. Lister was reading the latest in-ship magazine. "I told you so."

"Shut up Lister." Rimmer moved into the Drive room and sat on his seat.

Lister looked over the brim of the magazine. Rimmer could only see his eyes. "You called her Jupi, didn't you?"

Rimmer nodded and Lister smiled. "She hates it."

"Yes but," Lister put down the magazine and picked up his beer can. "Boy, are you going to get it when we have a shift change."

"I'm going to get it when we next meet." Rimmer watched Lister take a huge swig of his drink. "You are an animal you know that right?"

"How the smeg am I an animal?" Lister asked placing the can on the console.

"Look at you!" Rimmer stood from his chair and he wandered over Lister. "You're a slob! You think fun is going down to the AR suit and having a huge banquet with Henry the Eighth and, instead of being beheaded, you hide under Catherine Howard's dress!"

"I can't help it!" Lister said spinning on his chair and glancing at Rimmer, who folded his arms. "She has very nice legs."

Rimmer scoffs and sighed. "Honestly, I don't know how you can live like you do."

Cat howled and twirled his way into the Drive Room. "Aaaooowww! Hey bud and non-bud! Can't you smell that?!"

"Smell what, you over-sized walking highlighter?" Rimmer asked referring to the Cat's rather neon orange coat.

"It's a... wibbly-wobbly swirly-whirly kinda smell!" Cat said making some kind of jazz hands.

"Oh fantastic!" Rimmer said clasping his hands together. "Why don't we all just park outside the Ice-cream van, ask for a swirly-whirly and end up having our heads flushed down the toilet with the ice-cream firmly in our rear?"

"I'm not joking bonehead! It's all wibbly-wobbly swirly-whirly!"

Kryten and Jupita ran into the room. "What the hell are you doing standing around?" Jupita shouted. "There is something approaching the port quarter!" They all stared at her. Jupita sighed. "7 o'clock!"

"Oh." They said. Cat, Kryten, Rimmer and Lister quickly took to their seats.

"Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride!" Lister shouted. A huge, white time hole appeared in front of the huge red mining ship.

"Sirs, ma'am?"

"What is it Kryten?" Lister asked.

"I might be the only one here... but I think that _that_ is not a time hole."

"Well what do you think it is?" Rimmer asked glancing at the hole in space.

"Well... it's a stellar black hole!" Kryten squeaked. "We're all going to die! Good, I've cleared our heads so we can focus on what is going on."

"Ok full reverse!" Lister screeched. Cat and he slammed the gears into reverse and Red Dwarf crackled into life, it barely moved.

"The gravitational pull it too much!" Jupita shouted.

"I refuse to believe, that after all we have been though, we die by black hole!" Lister shouted.

"Stop shouting Listy and give this heap of metal all you've got!" Rimmer hollered. "I'm too pretty to die!"

"Shut up smeghead!" Lister and Jupiter shouted. "We'll get out of this!"

"How the hell _are_ we going to get out of this?!" Cat shouted. "It looks like we're going to get sucked in!"

"Wait!" Jupita shouted. "I have an idea!"

They looked at her. "What idea?"

"We ride the gravitational pull and we'll get to a point where we'll be repelled, once there we fire the thrusters and whoosh! We're out of there!"

"How long will it take?" Cat asked. "Because this peach number won't go with the black!"

"A few hours, sir, but it depends how big the core is." Kryten replied with a smile.

"And how big is the core?" Rimmer asked.

"30 km." Jupita replied with a grin.

"Plausible.", "It had better work.", "She'd better be right." and "We're still going to die." Came from the hushed and agreeing voices from the crew.

"So?"

"Ok, let's do this!" Lister shouted. "Let's ride the wave!" Lister laughed and manoeuvred into a stellar wave.

* * *

"Ma'am, is it ok if I clean your quarters now?" Kryten wandered into the bunkroom pushing a trolley with cleaning utensils on it.

Jupita sat at the table in the middle of the room. She was trying to repair the frame and glass Rimmer broke. She didn't look up.

Kryten abandoned the trolley and walked over to the doctor. "You're upset aren't you ma'am?"

She nodded and glanced up at him. "Yes I am."

"Oh goody!" He clapped his hands. Jupita's eyes widened. "I can work on my comforting techniques! So what's the matter?"

"Acehole Rimmer cracked the only picture I have of my family." She held it close to her chest. "No one has ever seen it..." Jupita paused and slowly held it out to Kryten.

He took it and looked it over. "You're the only Baope with-"

"Peach skin, yeah I know. I was the only one without purple skin. I got called horrible things." She shuddered.

"Like what?" Kryten asked.

"Promise you won't tell the boys?"

"Yes I do, ma'am."

Jupita sighed; she got up and whispered them into Kryten's ear.

"Oh."

She nodded. "Yep."

"Filing under 'N' for Never To Reveal." Kryten smiled. "Don't worry ma'am, I'll keep it quiet. Do you mind if I take it to fix it?"

"Would you really?" Jupita asked jumping to her feet.

"Yes, if it means that much to you."

Jupita smiled. "Thank you Kryten. Now I've got to go and check with Lister." She strolled out of the room.

"Cross-filing names under 'B' for Blackmail." Kryten chuckled.

* * *

"Hey, Lister, how's it going?"

"It's going good, we're still in the tail wind and according to Kryten we should be sling shooting in a few minutes."

"Good good. Let's step up to Red Alert just in case then."

Lister nodded and did as he was told.

Rimmer was the first to enter the Drive Room. "What's going on? Are we burning up?"

"No, Rimmer, we're just taking precautions, I thought you'd like it."

Lister sniggered and Rimmer glared at him. "Yes, urm, good!" Rimmer quickly sat back down.

Cat and Kryten entered with no fuss. They sat back down and they quickly went to work.

Lister and Cat let Red Dwarf surf the wave for a little more and when Kryten shouted "Fire thrusters!" They slammed them on and they powered out of the stellar black hole, cheering and shouting as they did so.

* * *

"Kryten!" Rimmer shouted quickly catching up to the mechanoid.

"Yes? Mr. Rimmer sir?" Kryten asked from scrubbing the floor.

"Where's that picture?" Rimmer asked putting is hand on his hips.

"What picture sir?" Kryten replied with all innocence.

"I know Jupita asked you to fix her family picture and I want to use it to get back into her good books agian."

"Sir I don't understand how you can get back into her 'good books', I thought you never were?"

"Listen here, ice-cube face, Space Corp. directive 2219058432250/C clearly states that you give me that picture!"

"2219058432250/C, sir? I don't see how Skydiving with a mechanoid is any help in this situation?"

Rimmer sighed. "Just give me the damn picture! Don't make me pull rank!"

Kryten pulled a face and reluctantly handed over the framed picture.

"Thank you Kryten." Rimmer said with a quirky smile. He marched away.

* * *

Rimmer marched into the rather small bunkroom with a smile. Jupita looked up with a scowl. "What?"

"I brought you something." He pulled out the wooden picture from behind his back and held it out to her.

"What... did you do to it?" She asked suspiciously.

"Nothing I... merely borrowed it from Kryten."

Jupita stood up and stared at the picture. "Ok Rimmer, what do you want?" She asked agian.

"Nothing."

"What do you want?" She repeated. "Just tell me and I'll try not to kill you... agian."

Rimmer put the frame on the table. "Can't we just go back to being... friends?"

"Friends? We weren't even acquaintances." She paused for a moment. "I'm all for making friends... I guess I can force myself."

Rimmer smiled slightly. "Great!"

Jupita pulled a face. "Great(!)"

The ship jolted and they lunged into each other. Rimmer held Jupita up with she tried to stand up. They stared at each other.

"We... we should go see wha that was..." Jupita said standing straight and brushing herself down.

Rimmer nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. "Good idea."

They both quickly scurried off back into the Drive Room, and once sitting down, exchanging, at last, happy glances.

* * *

**I wasn't planning a sequel so make on up in your head :)**

**I hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
